First Graders Invent Laws

Oddball, endearing and quirky answers to life’s questions

First graders at Isabella Bird Community School, left to right: Nicholas Paul, Palmer Johnson, Kublai Alla, Mira Agur and Mateo Morris.

Unbeknownst to many, unusual laws exist everywhere. In Colorado, it is illegal to throw missiles at cars. In Denver, it is illegal to lend a vacuum cleaner to a next-door neighbor. In Boulder, it is illegal to permit a llama to graze on city property. This month, first-graders at Isabella Bird Elementary invented their own laws, which they explain are rules you have to follow or bad things happen.

Kublai Alla

I would say to keep the animals safe from poachers you would go to jail for three days a year if you kill them. But, you can hunt and eat them, but no killing just to kill.

Also, if the president is keeping a secret you have to put security cameras and he gets a ticket.

Nicholas Paul

Babies can only wear diapers if they agree with them. ‘Baby, you want to wear your new diapers?’ ‘Hey mama, mommy’ (Slowly for theatrical effect, Nicholas twists his face as if eating something sour and makes a shrill sound). That means he doesn’t want his diapers.

And, on the weekends you have to find an albino animal and protect them before getting killed. They’re in forests, usually wide-open forests with oak plants and stuff. If you don’t find one you’ll go to jail and the albino animals will have to find another way to survive.

Mateo Morris

If the toilet is clogged immediately panic and say you need a plunger and plunge as fast as you can, then flush as hard as you can. If you don’t, a company from the presidential orders and an army company that looks like an ice-cream truck come over and take all your toilets away.

Another law is you cannot take money that goes to charity. So if anyone takes money that is going to charity like cancer, then people are sent to jail. You set up video camera surveillance, and it’s sent to the TV so everyone can see who stole.

—Excuse me, are we going to be famous?—Palmer asks. (This is always a big question during Meet the Kids interviews)

Mira Agur

I would put a security camera around you if you wanted to be a bully to kids, little kids. If you do something bad like steal something from a little kid, I will come rushing and say, ‘Can I please have that back, please?’ It’s something nice to do for the little kids instead of being bullied.

—Yesterday I got bullied on the bus—Mateo says.

Did he give you a wedgie? Wedgies aren’t in the law.

—Wedgies are my nightmare—Nicholas says.

Palmer Johnson

If a lake is frozen and there are fish in it, no ice fishing on a really really hot day. The ice might crack and you fall in. First someone saves them and then you pay a ticket and go to jail for two days.

—It should have to be 50 degrees and up to be illegal—Mateo says.

—Or 500—Nicholas adds.

—Nicholas, if it were 500 degrees right now we would be dying—Mateo replies, and notes to wear sunscreen every day to protect it.

Principals who want to participate in “Meet the Kids” email Madeline@frontporchne.com.